Last night was different.
I went for a walk at about 12:30 in the night. I was feeling very uneasy. I realized it getting worse after the FM, which was providing some solace to the unwanted feeling, went silent. I wore some warm clothes and got out of the house not knowing how to make me feel better. I locked my house and took the stairs. It was cold outside, but bearable. I started walking on the empty street towards Kumar padmalaya apartments. The road looked so similar to my heart which was feeling empty and void. I had my hands in the large pocket of my sweatshirt at my tummy and I was clutching them inside. It made me feel better, for unknown reason.
All the major events of my life @ pune, which started nearly 4 years back, were crossing my disturbed and panicky mind. I started my professional life here, quite casually. A few months went without realizing that I have become a professional. The 4 month training period made it appear so similar to the college life. Classes, tests, hanging out with the new acquaintances etc was the daily routine. Coming months brought responsibilities and seriousness in me. Before I realized I had become a workaholic, sitting in office from 9:00 AM to any time. On a few occasions I stayed in office for more than 36 hours. Eventually my friend circle reduced to my room mates and the people who used to sit with me for long time in office and sparingly few juniors.
I had reached Kumar padmalaya, I decided to take the square route and go along Convergeys, parihar chowk, food world back to my place. I kept walking.
Amidst all this I got close to few females at regular intervals, some from office and some outside. None of them were interesting enough for me to alter my working hours. With these short intermittent breaks and the eventual abrupt end of the relationships that could have been, I always fell back on my usual working schedule. 2 years went by in the same fashion. Inadvertently I had cut myself off from the species called friends oblivious of the long lasting effect it would have on me. I was doing well professionally and didn’t have time to think of other things. The only time I had for myself was spent sleeping. A few months later I went to US for the big implementation. I had worked on the same project for the past 1.5 years. The charisma of the US of A lasted for a few weeks before crashing in front of my eyes. I worked for even longer hours as I had nothing better to do and well that was the need of the hour. After working like donkeys and saving some good bucks, I came back to India. In the meantime all my friends (room mates and people who used to sit for long hours and sparingly few juniors) had disappeared to other faces of earth. I started realizing that I had become lonely; sometimes the feeling was so strong I wanted to run away from myself. I did. I shifted to Aundh because one of my close school friends had moved in there. I thought I would relive the old school days when I had so much fun, when I was so happy. Things improved but not to the extent I had imagined. The new rule of leaving office at 5:30 had landed me in big trouble. It gave me time for myself which I couldn’t handle. I had forgotten the trick of handling such a simple thing. I really had.
Some other people came close to me in the days to come, very close. I had no control on that coz I was broken apart by my situation then. I was so lonely that anyone and everyone were welcome. I had become so weak and vulnerable. Eventually I yielded to wutever was happening with me least bothered to take control of the situations. Anyway it had not brought much happiness in the past.
I came back to the empty Street again. My heart felt heavy. I got reminded of one of the lines from a book I was reading a few hours back, “Never choose achievement at the cost of happiness”. Had I made the same mistake?
I would leave for Greece in a couple of days. I don’t know a single soul there, not even a distant one. I realized that my life was a lonely walk and it will be till I find a companion. I looked around to find someone only to get more disappointed. The street was empty till the farthest point that was visible. I wanted to run through the empty stretch away from my loneliness. The air had become cooler; my slow walk was not helping me get any warmer.
I wanted to be warm; warmth only a human could provide.
As I reached close to my apartment I hoped these lonely walks lead me to someone; I was desperate.
Can anyone hear?
I went for a walk at about 12:30 in the night. I was feeling very uneasy. I realized it getting worse after the FM, which was providing some solace to the unwanted feeling, went silent. I wore some warm clothes and got out of the house not knowing how to make me feel better. I locked my house and took the stairs. It was cold outside, but bearable. I started walking on the empty street towards Kumar padmalaya apartments. The road looked so similar to my heart which was feeling empty and void. I had my hands in the large pocket of my sweatshirt at my tummy and I was clutching them inside. It made me feel better, for unknown reason.
All the major events of my life @ pune, which started nearly 4 years back, were crossing my disturbed and panicky mind. I started my professional life here, quite casually. A few months went without realizing that I have become a professional. The 4 month training period made it appear so similar to the college life. Classes, tests, hanging out with the new acquaintances etc was the daily routine. Coming months brought responsibilities and seriousness in me. Before I realized I had become a workaholic, sitting in office from 9:00 AM to any time. On a few occasions I stayed in office for more than 36 hours. Eventually my friend circle reduced to my room mates and the people who used to sit with me for long time in office and sparingly few juniors.
I had reached Kumar padmalaya, I decided to take the square route and go along Convergeys, parihar chowk, food world back to my place. I kept walking.
Amidst all this I got close to few females at regular intervals, some from office and some outside. None of them were interesting enough for me to alter my working hours. With these short intermittent breaks and the eventual abrupt end of the relationships that could have been, I always fell back on my usual working schedule. 2 years went by in the same fashion. Inadvertently I had cut myself off from the species called friends oblivious of the long lasting effect it would have on me. I was doing well professionally and didn’t have time to think of other things. The only time I had for myself was spent sleeping. A few months later I went to US for the big implementation. I had worked on the same project for the past 1.5 years. The charisma of the US of A lasted for a few weeks before crashing in front of my eyes. I worked for even longer hours as I had nothing better to do and well that was the need of the hour. After working like donkeys and saving some good bucks, I came back to India. In the meantime all my friends (room mates and people who used to sit for long hours and sparingly few juniors) had disappeared to other faces of earth. I started realizing that I had become lonely; sometimes the feeling was so strong I wanted to run away from myself. I did. I shifted to Aundh because one of my close school friends had moved in there. I thought I would relive the old school days when I had so much fun, when I was so happy. Things improved but not to the extent I had imagined. The new rule of leaving office at 5:30 had landed me in big trouble. It gave me time for myself which I couldn’t handle. I had forgotten the trick of handling such a simple thing. I really had.
Some other people came close to me in the days to come, very close. I had no control on that coz I was broken apart by my situation then. I was so lonely that anyone and everyone were welcome. I had become so weak and vulnerable. Eventually I yielded to wutever was happening with me least bothered to take control of the situations. Anyway it had not brought much happiness in the past.
I came back to the empty Street again. My heart felt heavy. I got reminded of one of the lines from a book I was reading a few hours back, “Never choose achievement at the cost of happiness”. Had I made the same mistake?
I would leave for Greece in a couple of days. I don’t know a single soul there, not even a distant one. I realized that my life was a lonely walk and it will be till I find a companion. I looked around to find someone only to get more disappointed. The street was empty till the farthest point that was visible. I wanted to run through the empty stretch away from my loneliness. The air had become cooler; my slow walk was not helping me get any warmer.
I wanted to be warm; warmth only a human could provide.
As I reached close to my apartment I hoped these lonely walks lead me to someone; I was desperate.
Can anyone hear?
1 comment:
No matter how many times i read that most people are lonely, it never fails to strike me that another fellow being is actually feeling the way i do sometimes.
I guess staying lonely is a choice, but feeling lonely is something out of our hands.
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