Confession

Long gone are the days when I ran to my mom with sad & almost crying face if my sisters or anyone else would deny giving me something I was asking for. The things that followed had just one purpose, to save the world around with all those strident and discordant sounds. At times all my wishes were fulfilled, at other times I turned into a devil and took people on an odyssey to hell. I exercised the right of freedom of expression from the age I wasn’t even aware of anything called as Law or constitution. In my early childhood I used to spend time with people I liked and doing things I loved. It was so easy to express discontent or pleasure right on the face of people who instigated them. Now that my mind is wandering in the past, it is reminding me of various events that exhibited my freedom. One of my neighbour’s relative used to visit them pretty frequently. I would have been of 31/2 years then and she was a year elder to me. I loved that female. I had a double seater TOBU tricycle and no one was allowed to sit on the rear seat but her. I used to take her for ride and happily pedaled incessantly for long time. It didn’t take me long to realize that I wanted to marry her and I proposed soon after that. I had spoken to my parents and my neighbour as well. The marriage broke because she left without meeting me one time. After declaring that I went to my mom and broke the news. As usual she comforted me with her weird logics and her loving warm hands. Her assurance that I would find a better girl was very convincing. My love for my mom was much greater than my love for anyone else. She never went against me even if I turned the world upside down; she would beat and reprimand but never discard me.

Expression of love or discontentment was easier then.

As a child I appreciated even strangers for doing things that impressed me. In the trains and buses, which we used to commute at times, I spoke to people candidly telling them about all the things that I had learnt. Most of the happy mortals responded with that smiling invitation, which was enough for me to explore, and involved themselves in the unusual conversation. The greatest gift we humans ever had was inquisitiveness. After my initial round of knowledge sharing I would come up with bizarre questions, the answers to most of which is still unknown to mankind. Quintessentially as any other child, the questions ceased to stop unless disrupted by an angry look from my parents or relatives. Their involvement increased when I ignored those well-known gestures of anger. They had to pull me back. It invariably followed with subtle apologies made to the co passengers. Some passengers were Angels; they went overboard and insisted my parents to let me continue with my activities. I never failed to exploit those opportunities and intensified my activities. Nonetheless, at the back of my mind I knew I am gonna be punished for that audacity.

Approaching anyone from humans to animals was easier then.

I had got myself almost bitten by a snake once. It stayed in a hole at the joint of walls of my backyard. We had a water tank at the same corner. I had seen it many times taking its head out of that hole. I could not find anything to force it to come out of that hole. I was too small to reach that hole, moreover the water tank was another obstruction. As soon as I went close, it retreated. One fine day I got hold of a long stick and I poked the hole with all the strength my small hands had. As soon as I pulled the stick out, the snake leaped opening its mouth wide open but failed to reach me and fell in the open water tank. As usual I rushed to my mom and broke the news. She was flabbergasted. She came out and saw the snake in the tank. In a few seconds, all my clothes were lying on the floor and my mom was frantically checking every inch of my naked body to ensure I was not bitten by the snake. The snake was killed later.

Taking risks was easier then.

One of my family friends were regular visitors on the weekends. They had kids not much elder to me and so we had good fun together. Their arrival brought the monster out in me. I would become uncontrollable in their equally matched company. Neither their parents nor my parents were able to do much. Parents are mature or at least they try to and hence they are striving all the time to act in a fashion that exudes maturity. Well I believe this is only for the actions that are perceptible to the outer world. The repercussion of kicking the monster alive is a sad story. Letting myself free was easier then.

When I was in Class III, my closest friend left for another place as his dad got transferred. I felt as if some part of me was taken away from me. I cried for hours together, tears rolling all thru my chubby cheeks. The tears had left its trace on my face. I buried my face in my mom’s lap and kept crying, I started gasping for breath before finally sleeping in her lap. I have not found a place which brings me more peace than my mom’s lap. Those days I cried not bothering about what others were thinking.

Letting tears out was easy then.

The expressions on my face then were the mirror of my heart. All the feelings and expressions were genuine. I lacked the knowledge of demonstrating a different feeling on my face. I am still bad at it.

Years have passed and things are dramatically different now. I have learnt to live without complaining, with things that I don’t like and even with the things I hate. Interestingly I done even make an effort to make it obvious. I seldom appreciate strangers for their actions that impress me. Letting people know that I like them or hate them seems such an ardous task. At all times I try to be politically correct and do things in ways that display maturity. The world around expects me to be that way and right after I entered my teen my parents insisted that I let go off those childish things and behave a bit responsible. The sense of responsibility came late as I was the youngest in the family but it came; there were people all the time to take care of my things. The passing years are taking away my passion for things, inquisitiveness, learning and risk taking ability. I have almost turned a deaf ear to my heart. The mind is now favored over other things. Long journeys end without any conversation with the co passengers and even if a conversation is started it seldom continues, reason always being the same, unmatchable frequency. I am ashamed to ask questions, the insuppressible feeling of sounding stupid made me hesitant in asking questions initially and gradually I stopped. I have stopped taking risks and do things in a methodical way. No more experiments, no more fun. Letting myself loose is so rare.I personally believe that we are never grown up enough not to approach our parents for any problem, but still I live with them or take care of them myself instead of speaking to my parents about it now.I strive to appear brave, not letting my tears out even when I am in acute pain or have to give in to emotional outbursts, though it hurts to keep them inside.

Growing up has come at a humungous price.

Now I want to look up to a child and become like him. I want to be as happy as I was when I was a child. I need to animate the child in me who is in a deep slumber.